self discovery

Mind pattern

Not sure what this blog is about. Is it about me? Can I do that, have a blog about myself?
It’s about my thoughts. That’s something I’d love to do. Just write about whatever I think. It’s the way I’d like this blog to be. And the kind of blog I’d feel most comfortable writing.
I’d prefer to write in a mixture of English and my native language.
How many people could understand what I write in that case? Probably just a few. But it’s ok with me. I’d like to be unseen.

Unseen but expressed.

I remember when I was in secondary school, I wanted so much to be able to write in such a way that if anyone (mostly my father) would find my diary, they couldn’t understand it.
I tried to learn the Cyrillic alphabet. But then I found out he knew it, and I gave up the plan of having a secret alphabet.
I became a little paranoid about him reading my diary. Because I knew he did read it. Once or many times, I don’t know.
What I do know is that for a while he kept quoting from it.

I never thought about this before, but I think … is it possible that this is one of the reasons why I can’t write in my native language? It’s strange that even if English is not my first language, I only began learning it when I was 12, yet, I keep wanting to use this language when I write. Could this be it?
I often considered myself as being in between languages. There are things that come to my mind in English, and I know what they mean, but I can’t find a similar expression in my first language. Then, there are many words in English I don’t know, and I need to search for them. I can’t express myself with ease and completely freely in English, either. But that’s because of lack of knowledge. With the other language, it has to do with deeper issues.

It’s interesting to see how issues come out from the depth of your mind when you write about them.
In the past, I did think that my father reading my diary and using what he read against me could be the reason why I stopped writing and why I couldn’t write a diary for a long time.
But I never thought that this is why I keep trying to write in English even if it’s not as easy for me as it would be to write in my own language.
When a pattern from the subconscious mind comes to the surface, it’s always a good thing to identify. And writing helps with this.

2 thoughts on “Mind pattern

    1. Teodora Post author

      Rox, no, my first language in not Spanish. Heard of this new language called Spanglish, but can’t speak it 🙂
      Someone would have to invent a combination between old Latin, Slavonic, and English. That would probably be the best mixture for me 😀 .


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